Ugh...

Tomorrow O goes for his 4 month shots...FOUR OF THEM. UGH. I'm dreading it. I know it's the right/good thing to do but I'm hating the pain he is going to feel...I hate shots myself, so I need to get into a good state of mind so I don't PROJECT my feelings...Think "NEEDLES ARE COOL"..."NEEDLES ARE COOL"...repeat until you believe.

Sorry little guy...I'll buy you a hot car for your 16th birthday...

On top of it it's supposed to snow. Great. I can just see it now...O screaming from the back seat because his legs hurt as I slide down a hill doing 360s...

Four Months!

Happy birthday piglet!!! I love, love, love you!

2 + 2 = 4

Guess what happens when someone sleeps 4 hours then an additional 6 hours straight? Yup...that someone is WIDE AWAKE at 3:17am.

Sleeping Beauty

O slept for 4 hours straight this afternoon...I actually kept hoping he'd wake up so we could hang out..I had finished all my chores...including addressing 100 envelopes for Christmas cards...

Anyway...he woke up with some prodding at 8:45pm...with a big smile, which filled me with love and incredible happiness...I lifted him out of his swing and he laid his little head on my shoulder...there is something about this age that has me completely head over heels in love...I just can't explain it.

I had made him his bottle in anticipation of waking and he drank it all down while holding my wrist with his little pudgy left hand...and gazing up at me all the while...until sleep overtook him and I laid him down to sleep...see you in a few hours peanut.

Getting Ready for Christmas!!!

Today O and I spent a little while taking pictures for the Christmas card..we didn't end up doing what I had planned...but I like what we did do and have quite a few pictures that are adorable...he is such a ham! I pick the photo cards up tomorrow at Costco...I can't believe how fast they are doing them!

I think that in the next couple of weeks he is going to sit all by himself! What an accomplishment...although I'm not sure if it will be humanly possible with the cloth diapers...he can barely bend!

Life is great!

Being Thankful...

O's first Thanksgiving was wonderful...although he didn't get to eat any of the amazing food he was loved and cuddled all night. Happy Thanksgiving O...I love you.

Whattahat!

Wrist Rolls...

I will have to take a picture of his wrist rolls...and his calves! They are huge...He is doing so good...I can't believe how transparent his development is...if you really pay attention, you see the smallest change.

Yesterday we were in bed and his pacifier was about 6 inches from his face. I noticed his hand trying to move toward it. At first I was skeptical because he has just recently discovered his hands...and he flops it over the pacifier and grabs it and brings it to his mouth, which is now wide open. I know I'm a sap...but it brought tears to my eyes.

I've started to read to him and he is just fascinated with the books. He squeals and grabs the page. Soon he will be sitting on his own and I can just picture him with books all around him!

Baby Legs!

Those Little Hands

This afternoon O and I were sitting in bed and I began reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar to him and he went crazy with excitement...he even reached out and touched the page. He has just realized that his hands belong to him!

We had a good day today...I knitted quite a bit...I think I will finish the longies this week and he can wear them to dad's birthday party this weekend...

Here is a photo of the last pair I knit a couple of weeks ago:


I ordered a bunch of yarn and it arrived today...along with clothes I bought from Gymboree...I looked out my kitchen window and saw the boxes open and shredded on the driveway...our German shepherd, Enzo, went to town on them...



At least he had fun! Today was his lucky day as nothing was ruined! Just for that, I'm going to knit something and make him wear it!

Joe has come across Alfie Kohn (I think was his name)...who has written quite extensively about child development/education. The essay that Joe read to me talked about the effect of praising your child too much...specifically the "GOOD JOB" or "GOOD BOY/GIRL" as this can create a child that is too dependent on pleasing others to feel good about him/herself. Interesting. Who would have thought that praising can be damaging. This parenting thing is HARD. You can fuck up at any minute...I'm sure I have already...

The funny thing is that I am finding it REALLY difficult to NOT say "good boy or good job"...it's incredible how automatic it is....of course having two dogs that get the "good boy" after every command (when obeyed...which is 50/50) makes it even more challenging. I've been trying to program myself to say "You did it!" instead. "You did it Amalia, you did it!"

He Laughs

This weekend O laughed out loud for the first time...it cracked me up...what is it about babies laughing that immediately brings a smile to our face?

He is propped up here next to me...grunting as he grunts...maybe delivering a little gift for mommy...who knew I'd ever be happy about poop?

Lord.

It amazes me how rapidly he changes...anyday now he will roll over and be able to sit unassisted...he has found his hands.

I'm off to play with him for a while.

The Path Here

I was thinking about the things I'd like O to know...and how much of my story to share with him. Truth be told, I never wanted children. Not because I didn't like them, but because I feared that I would not be a good mother...

One day, as I finished listening to Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now for a second time, I sat in my dining room and cried. Tears of joy for happiness that I had never felt. It was a great moment...and soon after I decided I did indeed want a child. "I am not my mother", was the basic enlightened thought...as silly and obvious as it sounds...I had a difficult time accepting this reality...I believe I feared the opposite.

I was 37 years old.

I am grateful for coming into motherhood at a "later" age...I am inclined to believe that this will give me an "up" on parenting...I have done a lot of repair to my spirit...I have thought a lot about what kind of mother I want to be...in it's simplest terms, the mother O needs.

Still ZZZZZZZZZZing

He sleeps. What does he dream about I wonder.

I want to be a good mother to O...this is my new purpose in life...is this a good thing? Of course I am other things too...besides a mother, but this is so important. So important to me.

I had a good friend, Kate, who is no longer in my life, but I remember so many of our conversations about mothers. We both lacked a loving and present mother, so this was often on our minds...especially since we were both so eager to have children. I was pregnant with Olivia then...she was waiting on her Mila. She said that she wants to be the type of mom that Mila would one day want to go have lunch with her...you know, just call her up and say, "Mom, let's have lunch"...as opposed to my relationship with my mother in which no such lovely moment ever seemed possible.

I don't want to think too much about the future as I may miss the present...but I do think about how my role/actions now will affect our/his relationship in the future.

I lost my first child. Olivia Gray. She died just 3 days before her due date. That was 2 years ago. I often think of her and wonder how it would be to have both Olivia and O here with me. I can't grasp the thought that most likely if Livi had lived O would not be here. I cannot fathom life without him.

He stirs. His wrists have small rolls. He is too cute.

A Place for O!

It occurred to me that a blog would be a perfect place to keep a "journal" of O...of him and his dailies and of my thoughts as I venture down this path of new motherhood.

He is almost 4 months old...they say that time passes quickly...I had no idea it was this quick. Everyday I try to slow down and take it all in...his smell...his little noises...(and there are a lot of those...:-) )

The day before yesterday he laughed for the first time. I was in the kitchen washing his bottles and I could hear him and Joe laughing...it was the cutest thing...who knew things like this would make me so happy.

I have a lot of thoughts regarding O and motherhood...I am hoping to organize them somewhat in my head, so I can write an interesting account of our lives together.