Ramblings From a Tired Mom....

O has a cold...nothing too horrid (yet!)...Last night he went to bed at his usual time and at 1:00am was completely awake...and stayed that way for 1.5 hours...so I didn't get much sleep, as at 6am he was up and ready for the day.

By the time I took him to bed this evening, he was very tired and not too comfortable with his runny nose...I laid him down and gave him his bottle...he then began rolling around while I just watched him...soon he began crying...harder...and harder...I tried tapping his back, humming, caressing him...nothing worked...he crawled over to me so I picked him up and held him...he then began to arch his back and cry even harder...

It was at this point, while I was being mindful of my body/emotions, that I realized how utterly horrible it is to not be able to comfort my own son. Not that I wasn't trying, but he just wasn't having it. He wanted "OFF ME NOW!"...and so I gently laid him down again next to me, and the same thing happened...

The point of sharing this is that even though I wanted so much to be able to take his pain/discomfort away, I wasn't able to do that...and this brought up for me feelings of sadness and longing.

I wondered if I could breastfeed, if he would have been comforted. I read in a forum I frequent a woman making a comment that she loved how she could immediately comfort her child by putting said child to the breast...and how she "chuckles" when she sees a bottle (read formula) feeding mom try stuffing a bottle into the crying baby to no avail...and this is what I thought about...She may be right...although I think her apparent joy at the struggles of others says a lot about her...but that's not the issue here...

When I began feeding O as a baby, I held him in my arms...then, for a reason I don't remember, I began feeding him as he lay his head on my thigh...(and so did Joe)...O would eat well and fall asleep...and I have to say it is much more comfortable for the feeder...Is this the reason why I can't comfort him now?

Who knows...in the end, he crawled over to me and I picked him up...We went into the kitchen and prepared another bottle of formula...We sat up in bed as I held O in my arms...all 25lbs of him...and fed him. I held him for a long time...listening to his little breaths...watching him fall into a deep sleep as his little body fell limp in my arms...

Well...there is no conspiracy...it is what it is...sometimes I won't be able to comfort O as I wish...and other times I will.

Thanks little guy.