Tuesday, November 15, 2005


He sleeps. What does he dream about I wonder.

I want to be a good mother to O...this is my new purpose in life...is this a good thing? Of course I am other things too...besides a mother, but this is so important. So important to me.

I had a good friend, Kate, who is no longer in my life, but I remember so many of our conversations about mothers. We both lacked a loving and present mother, so this was often on our minds...especially since we were both so eager to have children. I was pregnant with Olivia then...she was waiting on her Mila. She said that she wants to be the type of mom that Mila would one day want to go have lunch with her...you know, just call her up and say, "Mom, let's have lunch"...as opposed to my relationship with my mother in which no such lovely moment ever seemed possible.

I don't want to think too much about the future as I may miss the present...but I do think about how my role/actions now will affect our/his relationship in the future.

I lost my first child. Olivia Gray. She died just 3 days before her due date. That was 2 years ago. I often think of her and wonder how it would be to have both Olivia and O here with me. I can't grasp the thought that most likely if Livi had lived O would not be here. I cannot fathom life without him.

He stirs. His wrists have small rolls. He is too cute.

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